So when I was trying desperately to sleep last night I was thinking about things. I was thinking about wanting another baby and wanting a slave and what effect that is having on me.
I know why I want another baby. For as long as I can remember I have wanted four babies. I started my wonderful marriage with my oldest son at the age of four, though I have been there since he was six months old. When he was six year, three months, and three days old I had my second son. We had a little trouble conceiving him but once he was here we were so happy. We instantly started talking about when the next one would come. We had decided that we liked the age difference in the boys and that we would wait until our second son was potty trained to start trying to have another one. It took us longer to get pregnant the third time and even was told at one point that we couldn't have anymore kids. Then when our second son was six year, eight months and two days old we had our beautiful little girl. Again we decided that has soon as she was potty trained we would start trying to have another one. During her first six months I had lots of pain in my stomach. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomiosis. When she was seven months and six days old I was devastated and had a partial hysterectomy. Almost to the day one year later I had to have my ovaries removed due to early ovarian cancer. We had talked about using a surrogate and using hubby's sperm and my eggs so that it would still be "our" baby. Well once I had the second surgery I was once again devastated because now there was no chance of me having another baby. For months I was very depressed. I started looking online for a surrogate again. I had decided that I already had one wonderful child that was not naturally mine but that I loved with all my heart has if he was my own so why couldn't I love another one just the same. I found my now best friend and she helped me through a lot. Even though she ended up not being a surrogate for me she helped me to realize that God had a plan for me and that somewhere out there is my baby waiting to come home. So, now I am just waiting to be able to bring him or her home.
I was also thinking about wanting a slave. I definitely don't think that it is about wanting a baby. I think it stems from my lack of control while growing up. My mom was and still is very controlling and my brother was very abusive and controlling. I started to wonder if me wanting a slave was so that I could make someone feel the way I did when I was growing up. I was worried that I only wanted 'her' to abuse and that is the furthest from what I wanted for me or another person. I never want another person to go through what I went through. So I started to rethink finding 'her'. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I may not be wanting a slave for the right reason. I start to I think I need to take some time to learn what I really want a slave for before I find her. Then I start to think about my life now, my wonderful husband and great kids, and realize that I am not who I was when I was a kid. I am stronger and I am truly happy. I realize that I have truly let go of the abuse from my brother and that even though I want to control someone, it is a different kind of control. My personality is one that makes me a very controlling person. I try to control every aspect my husband and kids lives and realize that I can't. However with a slave I would be able to have that control. My goal would be to not only control 'her', but to love her and protect her in a way that I cannot with my husband and kids.
So all in all, even though I couldn't sleep, I think I had a very productive night last night and I work through a few of my issues.
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